


A few conversations

by meansovermotive



Category: Cormoran Strike Series - Robert Galbraith
Genre: Angst, F/M, Mutual Pining, Post-Lethal White, Romance, time jumps
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-05
Updated: 2020-09-12
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:54:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26302252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meansovermotive/pseuds/meansovermotive
Summary: Begins a few months after Lethal White, and tells what happens through some important conversations, with time jumps (forwards and backwards). This fic is about how when something is really important, it may be difficult to get out of your head and when everything is filtered through that, communication turns muddled. Hopefully there always comes a time when things finally make sense.Should be about 4 chapters.
Relationships: Robin Ellacott/Cormoran Strike
Comments: 23
Kudos: 58





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi,  
> So this is my first fic for this fandom and second in general hehe.  
> It's mostly conversations and internal monologues while they happen.  
> I have a feeling that Troubled Blood will be crushing for Robin, for reasons different and worse then they ones here, so I wanted to explore this version in which both are at similar situations but don't know it. I think it is more fair.  
> Hope you like it!

_“They parted with a wave, concealing from each other the slight smile that each wore once safely walking away, pleased to know that they would meet again in a few hours, over curry and beer at Nick and Ilsa’s”_ (Lethal White).

Four months later

Curry Fridays at the Herbert’s had quickly become a solid habit. Sure it wasn’t every week that Strike and Robin managed to with the job, but it was pretty much every other week, even though she had gotten her own place about two months ago.

Perhaps most telling was that if either of them were unavailable, it usually didn’t happen at all, even though it had already been somewhat of a habit for Strike before Robin joined him.

Today, however, was a good day. It was Friday, they had finished their work for the week, and Curry was about to be had.

Just as the thought crossed Strike’s mind, eliciting a smile, Robin showed at the door of his office, resting her body against the door frame.

“Someone is in a good mood”, she said.

His smile grew wider.

“I am, actually. Weekend, curry, friends and a pint.. what’s not to like?”

“Indeed. So, does that mean you are ready?” she said, smiling.

“Sure am”, Strike smiled too. “Let me just turn off my laptop and we’ll be going”.

“’Kay. Don’t take too long though, I’m starving”, she said, already heading towards the outer office.

He watched her leave and wondered when did he get so lucky.

Meanwhile Robin, taking her coat from the rack, wondered, not for the first time, if she was indeed interpreting correctly the signs that pointed to a change in dynamic with her work partner and friend, and when, if ever, would she get a definitive answer.

\--

Dinner had been, as always, delicious and supremely fun. Robin had blended in the group so completely it seemed like she had always been there.

After a significant amount of food and beer was ingested, Strike left to the garden to have a cigarette while Robin and Nick filled the dishwasher. He heard a noise and saw that Ilsa was joining him. He made a gesture with his hand to welcome her.

“Pretty good night, huh?” she said.

“Yeah. Good food and good company gets you that”.

Ilsa smiled.

“So, how is everything at the agency?”

“Pretty good as well, actually. We have been afloat financially for a few months, now. Steady clientele. Soon I’ll be able to give Robin a raise, I think”.

“That’s great, Corm! I am really happy for you”.

“Yeah. It’s really great”.

“And how’s Robin doing? With the divorce and all?”

Strike considered the question.

“To be honest, at work you really wouldn’t tell she was going through that, unless you looked closely. She is working harder than ever, to tell the truth. Not that I’m happy with that”, he added, because Ilsa was about to admonish him. “I tell her to relax and get some rest, but you know Robin. I think it’s the way she’s coping“.

“Yeah, makes sense. And otherwise… is she all right?”

He frowned.

“You two talk all the time, don’t you? She doesn’t tell you how she is doing?”

“’Course she does. But I want to know your perspective.”

Strike inhaled and let out a puff of smoke.

“I gather she’s doing all right. Wouldn’t know for certain, though. You’re probably better informed than me”.

“Corm”.

He raised his eyebrow.

“C’mon. Aren’t you a freaking detective? Besides you did say “unless you looked closely”. I’m pretty sure you’re looking real close, aren’t you?”

He let out a cloud of smoke.

“I don’t apply my work skills to unveil the moods of my friends, if that’s what you suggesting. But if you’re so keen on getting my perspective, I think she’s doing…surprisingly well, actually. Of course it’s a difficult time, but I think she’s handling it very well. Not that it comes as a surprise”, he said, a tone of pride in his voice.

Ilsa smiled.

“Yeah. My thoughts also. And are you… supporting her? Through this time?”

Strike narrowed his eyes.

“Okay Ilsa, spill it. What exactly do you want to ask?”

“I am not blind, Corm”.

He stared at her.

“I don’t know what you mean”.

“Right”, she snorted. “I can see the looks you’ve been giving each other, you know. The little touches. The smile on each of your faces, when you look at the other. For weeks now, or more. By the way, I know you from the inside out, did you forget? And I would be willing to bet curry for a whole month that for you it has been even longer. As in years longer. Am I wrong here?”

He remained silent and turned to blow off smoke.

“I’ll take silence as affirmative. So, care to elaborate? What’s going on?”

“Nothing’s going on.”

“Nothing? Corm, what are you doing, exactly?”

He let out a sigh.

“Look, Ils. I won’t lie to you. You’re right. In what concerns me, at least. Yes, I do have some… feelings for Robin. Yes it has been more time than I would like to admit. And, I am not stupid, I do think there’s a possibility that she has similar feelings. Or is developing them, perhaps. There’s no way to know for certain.” Ilsa opened her mouth to respond, but was cut. “There isn’t, Ils. Not unless I ask her which I am not going to do right now. Well, has she said anything to you?” he added.

“No”, Ilsa said. “I think she’s not ready to open about that yet. She must be processing it all still.”

“Exactly. See? It’s too soon. Also… I don’t know, Ils.” Suddenly Strike felt like pouring out everything on his mind, much to his surprise. “Look, you know that I… care about Robin, deeply. She is invaluable to me at this point. Not only to the firm. To me. I don’t know what I would do… “ His voice faltered and he sighed. “Truth is I’m pretty terrified of it all going wrong. I don’t have great experience with normal, healthy relationships. Not gonna lie also, and say that the idea of Robin with an old bastard like me doesn`t sound a bit ridiculous, to be honest, because it does. I don`t know that I can give her… all that she deserves. Which is a lot.”. He paused, sighed and looked at Ilsa, who was shaking her head. “I don’t know. What do you think?”

Ilsa paused and looked him in the eye.

“Corm. Listen to me. I know you. I know that with Charlotte not everything was her fault, but you’ve learned a lot from that, right? And…you’re a good man. A good person. Anyone would be lucky to have you by their side. And I would say the same of Robin. I honestly think you deserve each other, and I mean that in the best way possible. And you get, really get each other. There’s really a lot in your favor here.” She paused. “I will be honest with you, though: there’s no guarantee that it will work. It may not. It’s a different kind of relationship, with a different set of rules, and your dynamic may not work as well then. But regardless, you understand and care too much about each other, I think, for any of you to do something that would ruin everything. It may not work as a relationship, but I don’t think there’s anything at this point that would break what you have now. That’s what I think.”

Strike took a deep breath, his cigarette almost burnt to its length.

“Thanks, Ils. It means a lot to me to hear that.” He smiled and touched her shoulder.

“Anytime”, she said, giving him a quick hug. “So. What are you going to do?”

“For now… I will consider what you said. I will observe and look out for Robin. I want what’s best for her above all, you know. And then… let’s see… It’s been so long already, no harm in waiting a bit more.” He shrudded.

Ilsa looked at him for a long moment.

“Only promise me one thing, Corm.”

“Not to hurt her?” He said, grinning.

Ilsa shooked her head.

“That I don’t need a promise to know. Promise me you won’t wait too long”, she said.

A look of concern passed Strikes’ face, but he simply responded:

“Don’t worry, Ils. I won’t”.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I guess it was clear from the end of last chapter that this is where this was going, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All time jumps refer to the last chapter.

One year later

Robin was not having a good day.

She had lost her target, and had ended up at past six thirty of a Friday at the end of an exhausting week, all across London from the place she was supposed to be having dinner in 40 minutes with her date.

Robin had been seeing Dan for about three months now, and, surprisingly, actually liked him, which made the current situation even more irritating. Having finalized her divorce a few months ago, she had gone out with a few other men, all of each she had dismissed after a couple of dates.

Dan, however, was kind, thoughtful, and funny. He also had been very respectful so far and had let her set the pace of the relationship entirely. She had not seen him in a week though, and was quite looking forward to, and now had to text him and say she would be rather late.

That thought made her feel crossly towards with her work partner, even though it wasn’t really his fault that her target had taken to a not anticipated destination today. It was somewhat of a usual situation lately, for her to be angry with Cormoran, even though she didn`t really let it show most of the time.

It felt a bit like a permanent sentiment in the background. It's easy to be angry, she thought, with what we don`t understand. And she definitely didn’t understand why, after making her suffer with what she felt was very mixed signals some many months ago, he had been in such a bad mood since, she suspected, she started dating Dan. Shaking her head to push these feelings aside and heading towards the entrance of the tube, she took her phone out to text Dan.

On the other side of London, a few minutes later, Cormoran also got a message.

**Lost him. Already late. Calling it a night. R. x**

Cormoran rubbed his forehead, feeling simultaneously guilty and vindicated, both feelings arising from his knowledge of her date tonight.

He dreaded the day in which Robin would let him know, very nonchalantly he was sure, that she was in a relationship. And he had a feeling with this new guy the day was getting closer by the minute, quite literally.

He remembered a conversation with Ilsa in one calm, happy night at her place. He still didn’t know how exactly she had predicted what would happen, that night when she demanded a promise of him.

Worst thing is, he never got to know whether he had ever stood a chance or not. That was perhaps the worst part. That in order to preserve what he had with Robin, he would probably never know.

Not for the first nor last time, Strike wished with all his being that he had kept his promise to Ilsa.

\--

Robin was waiting for her dessert, and laughing at the funny story from work that Dan was telling. It had been a great night, despite her late arrival. He hadn`t been annoyed in the slightest, which was incredibly refreshing. He laughed too, and when he stopped, he lowed his head a bit, and risking a glance at Robin, he said:

“So… we`ve been going out for some time now.”

Robin`s eyebrows raised slightly in the change of subject.

“Yes, we have.”

“And… it`s been great”, he said, more as a question than an statement.

She smiled.

“It has”.

“I agree” he said, emphatically. “But..there’s something I`ve been wanting to ask you for a while. If you don’t mind”, he added.

Robin paused, a bit apprehensive and a bit curious. Was he going to talk about a relationship? Certainly it was too soon? Or was he, against his behavior so far, going to suggest they went home together tonight? That thought made her actually consider, for the first time, whether she would do it. Since a few moments had passed, however, she rushed to say:

“Well, sure. Go for it.”

He took a breath.

“Okay. So I hope you don’t mind me asking, but I’ve been wanting to know… You and Strike…”

Ooh, no, Robin thought. She kept her face impassible.

“Yeah?”

“Have you ever… you know… is there a history there?”

There isn’t, Robin’s mind answered. Nothing had ever happened. There was no reason to hesitate, whatsoever. Yet hesitate she did, and by the time she gained her composure back, it was too late.

“No-“

“Ooh, boy. I can see it. There is, right?” Dan made an anguished face.

Robin decided she was going to be firm.

“No, Dan, don’t worry. Nothing ever happened between Cormoran and I.” She looked him right in the eye, forcing a resolve that she herself did not feel.

He looked right back for a long moment, and asked quietly:

“I believe you, but… at some point, you wished it had, right?”

Robin staggered for a answer.

“I-No, I don’t-“

He took her hand and his.

“Robin, please. I really like you, and I have been nothing but honest with you so far. I’m only asking you do the same” he said, kindly.

She sighed and looked at her glass of wine.

“Right. Right. I want to be honest with you, I just don’t want to ruin this. Okay, truth is…” She looked at him. “Yes, I suppose I’ve had some feelings for Cormoran in the past”.

He took a breath.

“Does he know?”

“I… I wouldn’t know. Perhaps.”

“Okay… how long ago?”

“Well I… I supposed after Matt and I separated, for a few months, I thought…” she didn’t complete her thought.

“You thought... something was going to happen? So he also had feelings?” He frowned.

Robin snorted.

“No, he did not, quite clearly.” She paused, suddenly concerned realizing what she had said. “Not that it matters, now. Look, Dan, I’m only telling you because you asked, and I’m being honest because I really like what we have. It’s in the past now. It doesn’t matter.” She smiled, but it did not quite reach her eye.

Dan looked Robin intently once again.

“Okay, I’m glad to hear that, Rob. You don’t know how much. I really, really, like you. Which is why I have to ask you one last thing. If you look me in the eye right now, and promise me you don’t have any more feelings for him, I will, happily, never bring it up again.”

He looked at her.

She looked back, her mouth slightly open. Then her eyes fell to her glass, and it was all the answer both of them needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it!  
> If the direction for this chapter wasn't clear before, I'm sorry for the surprise haha
> 
> Next chapter we find out what happened.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happened in between.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry about this is all I have to say. Probably gonna be a bit unnerving...

Eight months earlier

“So, will you still be needing me?”

Strike did a double take at Robin, the meaning of her question taking a few seconds longer than it should to reach his brain. It was only a moment, but it wasn’t quick enough that Robin didn’t notice.

“I mean, here at the office-“

“Yeah, no, you’re free”, he replied quickly.

There was an awkward pause in which they looked at each other, and then she smiled.

“You should get some rest too, you know”, she said, “It has been a tough week.”

He sighed.

“You’re right, I know. But I just can’t put things together with this case, and I know this will bother me the whole weekend, so…” He shrugged.

They had been hired by the chief of an IT firm to find out whether an employee was deliberately sabotaging an ongoing project. The others employees suspected nothing, but he was sure there was something foul at play. They had been on the case for a few weeks now, and had a few viable suspects, but there was something off about each one of them that didn’t let them arrive at a conclusion with certainty.

Robin paused, took a look at her watch – quarter to six – and, after thinking for a beat, said slowly:

“You know, I am free tonight and you look like you could really use a break… why don’t we go to the Tottenham for a pint and you clear your head for a bit? Who knows, you may even gain a fresh perspective…” she smiled tentatively.

Strike hesitated. He was sure he wouldn’t be returning his thoughts to the case again tonight if he went out with Robin, but that was not what bothered him. Things with her had been… complicated, lately.

After the Chiswell case, they had, at first, gotten closer. These outings had been more frequent than before, with them having dinner and drinks as much as a few nights a week. It felt amazing having all this time… discussing the cases, sharing thoughts, just being around her. But he sensed things were getting out of hand rapidly. If it was to continue, he would soon be impulsively doing something he would regret – especially since there was frequently alcohol involved.

And thing is, he didn’t want to do it on impulse. He wanted to do it right, when he felt he had a solid ground to stand on both in terms of the prospect of it working as well as that any advances would be reciprocated. He felt still a bit unsure in both fronts, and there was yet another thing: her divorce. 

The process had started many months ago, and though she handled it well, it had been some difficult months for her, as he had expected – not a chance that tosser would make it civilized.

He got a strong impression though, that she wanted to a true clean slate, and to go forward with enough dignity that no one would be able to say anything about her choices. So, that meant waiting until it was finalized.

Fortunately from what he knew, it shouldn’t take more than a few weeks now.

Until then however, to avoid doing something he couldn’t take back, he had started to make up excuses when she suggested time together. Not all the time, so that he hoped she wouldn`t think he was avoiding her (which he was).

Tonight, however, he was sure no excuse would fly, and he didn’t want her to misinterpret him and be hurt. So he simply looked at her and said “Yeah, sure. Thanks”.

She smiled, and it was worth it already.

\--

Robin, turns out, had also hesitated before asking. She had noticed he was acting strange lately, distancing himself after what seemed like several blissful weeks of them getting closer to… something.

She had to admit to herself that it had been enough for a small bubble of hope to start to grow in her chest, only for it to burst when he suddenly started to distance himself.

Robin was pretty sure she knew why it was happening. Strike was a detective, after all, and a pretty good one at that. He had to have noticed the signs that she had developed some very unprofessional feelings for him. At first she thought – she really did – that perhaps they were reciprocated. When things started to change, then, it was soul crushing. Whether she’d had misunderstood, or whether he had changed his mind, she did not know. But she had been working on it with fierce determination, decided not to let this affect her work. It had not quite worked yet, and a Friday night of drinks would certainly not help, but he really looked like he needed it. And to be honest, she did too. Especially today.

\--

When they got there, the bar was crowded.

“White wine?” asked Strike. She nodded and he went to fetch drinks as she found a table. Soon he returned with a bottle of Doom Bar and a wine glass.

“Cheers”, he said, smiling after taking a seat.

“Thanks”, she said softly, and looked down at her glass, her feelings suddenly threatening to surface.

Strike seemed to sense something. 

“Robin—“ he started, and then stopped.

She knew she had to be careful, so she raised her head, and still quite not looking at him, led the conversation towards the case. 

“So who’s your favorite suspect as of now?”

She was sure she didn’t imagine his relief.

\--

They discussed the case for a while, going over every aspect that didn’t fit and every reason one of the suspects might or might not be the culprit.

One and a half glasses of wine and three bottles of beer later, they were no closer to a breakthrough, but at least the facts were quite clearer than before.

The subject, however, had suddenly died, neither of them wanting to leave. And yet, neither of them was sure of what to say either.

Suddenly, Strike asked:

“Uhm... so how’s the divorce going?”

Robin took a gulp of her wine.

“Well” she said, “I actually have some news”.

Strike’s eyes widened. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. Got a call today. Apparently something sped up along faster than anticipated, and it should be over… by the end of next week.” She smiled.

Strike slammed the table with his hand in excitement.

“No shit! Robin, that’s amazing!”

She laughed, a bit startled by him. “It is, isn’t it?”

“Absolutely! Why didn’t you say anything?”

She shrugged. “I just did”.

Robin thought he looked weird suddenly. He was in fact very confused, scrambling his mind for a possible reason for her omission.

They stared at each other in silence for a moment.

High with the excitement of the news, and having had just enough wine to give her an edge, Robin decided to break the silence with what she most wanted to know.

“So, speaking of… I don’t think I’ve seen you with anyone since Lorelai. Given up?”, she teased, the smile not quite reaching her eyes.

Strike entered alert mode immediately, although he was not in the best shape for it, and tried to sound nonchalant.

“Not really. I just… haven’t found anyone interesting lately.”

“Really?” Robin raised an eyebrow. “Not a single woman in London interesting enough for Cormoran Strike, huh?”

“Not true at all”, he said. “I am just used to very high standards in terms of interesting companies”, he said, looking at her. He immediately regretted it. This was getting dangerous. Although, if the divorce was so imminent, shouldn’t he start dropping heavier hints? But why hand’t she said anything?

She swallowed.

“Still, not even for a little, you know, fun?” She asked nervously. She didn’t know why exactly she was pushing this. It was only going to result in pain if the last few weeks had been any indication.

He sighed.

“Well”, he said, not able to think of some excuse, and finally deciding to be a bit more honest, “sometimes there’s, uh, circumstances when even that loses its appeal…” He said in a low voice and shrugged.

Robin frowned.

“What do you mean?”

He raised an eyebrow.

“I’m sure you know what I mean, Robin.”

“No, I don’t”.

He looked a little exasperated.

“What? I don’t get it”, she insisted.

“C’mon, Robin, you know that when you have feelings for someone…” he blurted out and then stopped, looking mortified.

“Oh.”

Strike rested his forehead in his palm. Very smooth, Strike, you tosser. Cat out of the bag, now, isn’t it?

“Sorry”, said Robin, softly. She suddenly wasn’t feeling very well. “I didn’t mean to push it. I know you’re a private person”.

“That’s not it”, Strike said. “I think we’re past that, aren't we? It’s just… agh…”

“That’s okay, Cormoran”, Robin said softly. “We don’t have to talk about it. I’m sorry. I get it. I know what you mean, of course…” she said, more to herself than to him. She was now fighting a stubborn tear in the corner of her eye.

“You do?” Strike frowned, curious despite himself. “I had meant more in the theoretical sense. Didn’t expect you to know this experience firsthand.”

“This experience?”

“Yeah, uh… unrequited feelings and all”.

“Unrequited feelings? Oh Cormoran, is it that bad?”

He shrugged.

So that explained his change in behaviour, she thought, there was someone else. Could it be Charlotte still? Unless…but he certainly couldn’t mean herself? I mean, it didn’t make sense with his actions, did it?

Confused, she fell quiet. He was quite confused himself, not sure if he hoped she realized the true meaning of his words, or that she didn’t.

“What about you, anyway?” He deflected, deciding to get a better sense of where he was standing. “You’ve been separated for months now, and I don’t think I’ve seen you go in so much as a date for a good while”.

She sighed and looked down at her glass, her cheeks flushing.

“Well… you know there are circumstances, sometimes…”

“No way”, he said. “When you said you get it, do you mean right now?”

She twisted her mouth and nodded.

“Wow. I’m sorry, Robin”, he said, but internally, he was all over the place. Could she mean…But then would she really say that, if she had meant him?

They were silent for a moment, looking at each other.

“What a sad pair we make, uh?” said Robin suddenly, to break the tension. “Friday night at a bar, lamenting ‘unrequited feelings’?”

He laughed, feeling glad for her effort.

“Well, I _am_ a sad old fucker, I’ll give you that.” Strike smirked. “But I sure as hell am not as stupid as this fella of yours, ‘cause there’s definitely nothing sad about you”. 

Robin snorted.

“What?” said Strike, raising his eyebrows. “I am serious”.

“I know you are”, said Robin still smiling, “That’s why it is so funny”.

Strike frowned and made a funny face, his mouth opening slightly in surprise.

Robin spoke before he could think about it too long.

“Well, it’s getting late…”

“Wait”, said Strike. His judgement was screaming that he drop the subject and let her go home, but three pints down had fueled his already giant frustration and exasperation. What did it mean, after all? That while he was pining for Robin all these months there was a tosser out there who could be with her and instead was making her miserable, or…that he was right about the signs he had been seeing, and the tosser, turns out, was himself?

He insisted.

“Really, Robin, something is not right here. You’re single now, and you’re a smart, brave, and well, beautiful woman, I am sure he would appreciate the attention. Have you talked to him about it?”

Robin simply shook her head.

“Why?” said Strike. “Wait, is he married or something?” he said, narrowing his eyes.

“What? No!” she said quickly. “That’s not it”.

“Then I don’t get it, Robin. You should talk to him… you deserve to be happy” he added, throwing caution to the wind, his eyes fixed on hers to let her know he really meant it. If it was what he was thinking, he decided he would stop wasting time. And if not…despite how he knew he would feel if he saw her with someone else, he simply could not see her miserable as she was that and leave it.

Robin however, did not get his true meanings at all. How wonderful, she thought. He wishes my happiness with somebody else. She gave him a sad smile.

“Thanks, Cormoran. It means a lot. But it’s… complicated. There’s… things at stake. Also, there’s no point when I already know how he feels”.

“But how can you be sure, if you haven’t talked about it?”

“There are other ways of saying things than with words. You should know, you’re a detective”, she said, looking at him.

He considered her words, their meaning slowly reaching him and causing his heart, which was beating fast just a moment ago, to feel like it was being squeezed through a tiny hole. That was that, then, wasn’t it? There was no freaking way that Robin would be so sure he didn’t have feelings, was there, with all the things he was sure he had been letting slip all this time, and moreover, tonight? In any measure, it certainly meant he didn’t have enough certainty to risk everything like that tonight.

Finally, he responded, “Well, if you say so. I have no reason not to trust your instincts – I do rely on them for my livelihood, after all”, and forced a smile.

Robin laughed a little.

“Well that’s one occasion in which I wish I was wrong”, she said, smiling. He was about to say something, when she cut him, “I’m kidding Cormoran, that’s okay. I’m okay, really. No one’s ever died of heartbreak, anyway”.

He looked relieved if a little sad for both of them.

“Can’t argue with that. I’m glad you’re okay.” He raised his glass, making an effort to appear normal. “Here’s to surviving heartbreak, then”.

Robin raised her glass too, and took one last sip of her wine, pondering. When would they ever talk about such personal matters again? It was worth it one last confirmation, right? Despite abhorring mind games, she decided she needed to know what he would he say if she told him…

“Besides,” she said, putting her glass on the table, “to answer your question, I do have a date next week”.

Strike stopped midway while raising his glass, his heart stopping just as well.

“You do?”

“Yeah… you know. No point in dwelling in heartbreak forever. I’m pretty tired of it to be honest. Sometime you just have to move on”, she said quickly, looking intently at Strike.

He swallowed. Yeah. That’s it, he thought. Whether it was him or not, which it most certainly wasn’t, he wasn’t going to fight against her wishes.

“Yeah”, he said, his voice weak. He coughed. “Yeah, absolutely”, he said, in a stronger voice. “You’re right. Good for you”, he said, the words leaving his mouth of his own accord. Where they were coming from, he did not know.

Robin gave him a final, sad look, and steadying her breath, announced,

“Well”, getting her purse from the table, “I suppose we had better go, if we want to be in condition for work tomorrow”.

They walked silently side by side back to the office’s building door, where by Strike’s insistence, Robin would then get a cab home.

Strike could only think how right he had been in putting some distance between himself and Robin. It would be bad enough if he lost control before, but now with the knowledge that she in all likelihood had feelings for somebody else… it would be mortifying. He chose to focus on this small relief so that he wouldn’t end the night getting blind drunk in his flat.

\--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Full disclosure, this is the first thing I wrote for this fic, but I figured it lacked context.   
> It was initially a bit more light thought.  
> Yeah, not sure how I feel about it now. I guess this is what happens when an overthinker writes about misunderstandings, ha.  
> Hopefully next chapter will be less angsty, though!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You know what happens in this one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!  
> I know I said this would be less angsty, but turns out, don't think I know how to do that, haha  
> A bit more light than the previous chapter, thought, I hope!  
> Not wholly original, a lot of beats along the usual stuff from the cannon, but hopefully a nice conclusion to the story. Also, a bit longer than I planned.  
> Anyway, hope you like it!

Eight months later (the night of Robin’s date, again)

Robin had been planted at the tube station for quite a while now.

She kept staring at the passing trains, but wasn’t really looking. She was trying to make a decision. Also, she was angry.

She was angry with Dan, for putting her on the spot like that.

She was angry with Cormoran, for… well, the whole situation.

She was even angry with Matthew, for having made her waste so much time of her life.

She was mostly angry with herself. After all she had gone through, how could she let these pointless feelings continue to make her miserable and ruin her chances at happiness?

Why hadn’t she realized she was not over them by now? How could she not be over them? How could she not be over _him_?

It was ridiculous, is what it was. Enough is enough, she thought to herself.

She again looked back and forth at the two platforms, knowing that each train could lead her to a different destination tonight. One she’d take if she went home right now. The other…

A train approached rapidly and stopped.

She considered her choice for just one more moment, and then got in.

\--

Strike had been studying his current case at his armchair, papers all over his lap, his prosthesis resting on the wall by his side. His tiredness was getting the better of him, though, so he had started gathering himself to go to bed when he realized he had let his phone charging in the office.

Knowing his chances of waking up without his alarm the next morning were slim, he had just reattached his leg, cursing under his breath, when he heard a knock on the door.

He raised his head, alarmed and at a loss at to who it could be, and heard:

“Hey Cormoran. It’s me, Robin.” 

He jumped up from the chair so fast he almost lost his balance.

“Robin?!” he said, going as quickly as he could to the unlocked door and opening it. “Robin? Are you alright?” he asked, concern in his voice.

“Yeah. Yeah. I mean, actually, not really. Can we talk?”

“Of course, come on in”, he said, a concerned expression in his face, closing the door behind her.

He turned and there she was, staring at him. “Take a sit”, he said, going to fetch a chair from the kitchen for her. She eyed it but said “Thanks. I’d rather stand, actually. You go ahead though, your leg…” she added.

His brows were knitted together. Standing next to his own chair, he asked in a low voice:

“What happened? Are you all right?”

Putting her purse on the chair he had offered, she said, “I’m… not really. I mean, nothing happened, don’t worry. And I’m sorry for showing up so late, it’s just…” she stopped.

“It’s okay, don’t worry. I’m just glad you’re okay. What’s the problem? Didn’t you have a date tonight?” he asked, suddenly remembering.

“Yeah, I did”.

He looked at her. “What happened, Robin? Did he do something?”, he asked, an edge to his voice.

“No! No, nothing like that”, she reassured. “Actually… we broke up”.

Strike blinked, making a great effort to look sorry to hear the news.

“Shit, Robin, I’m sorry”. 

Irritation flared up in her.

“Are you, then?” she asked, a defiant tone in her voice.

Strike swallowed.

“What do you mean?”

Robin didn’t answer. Instead she stared at him, deciding which approach was best for what she was about to do. She tried to get ahold of her feelings. Letting her anger take over was probably not the best way forward. That was made easier by Strike’s look of concern and… was that fear?

Honesty and earnestness, she decided, like everything that was best about them, was the way to go.

She sighed.

“Look, Cormoran. Here’s the thing. Turns out I... I’m tired. Something’s weighing on me, and I just… I just can’t continue like this. And I’m sorry, because I know it may put you in a difficult position, which I _really_ didn’t want to do, and… And it might also put _me_ in a difficult position, actually – which I’m not even thinking about, to be honest, or else I wouldn’t even be here. Either way I just hope that - if this is a mistake, I just hope you can understand, that you won’t hold it against me, and that it won’t… change things, too much. ” She said this really quickly and took a breath. “So, yeah, there’s something I need to ask you.”

Strike gaped at Robin, his mouth slightly opened, eyes wide, feeling like he’d been punched on the stomach. What was she about to do, exactly? Surely this couldn’t be…

“Aren’t you gonna say anything?” she asked.

Strike closed his mouth and swallowed.

“Sorry”, he said, his voice hoarse, and cleared his throat. “Sorry, you scared me a bit, I think. Uh… sure. Go on” he said, resting against the chair for support, not because his leg was hurting, but because his knees felt a bit weak.

Robin was just as nervous, if not more. Now that came to it, panic was threatening to rise in her throat. What if she ruined everything? Had she _already_ ruined everything?

Yeah, she had, she thought, but long ago. When she fell for him, that’s when. There was no other option now. If she thought otherwise, tonight had proved her wrong.

He was staring at her, a nervous expressions in his face. She considered quickly the best way to phrase it, so that it didn’t sound too dramatic. Taking a breath, she spoke quickly:

“Okay, here goes. Have you… did you, ever, consider the possibility of, er… something happening between us?”

Strike swallowed. She’s doing this. Fuck’s sake she’s actually doing this.

“You mean…” he asked, making sure he got it right.

“Yep. I mean something between us, in a, uh…. romantic… context.” She said, twisting her mouth at her phrasing. “Have you ever thought of me like _that_ , is what I want to know” she added, quickly.

Has he ever… That’s one way to put it, he thought.

He cleared his throat. Is this really the moment, he wondered.

“I… Are you really sure you want me to answer that, Robin?” he said, his voice low.

“I am, Cormoran. I’m sure.”

“Either way, it could change a lot, you know.” He said, looking at her, internally cursing himself for being a coward.

“I’m aware” she said, impatiently. “Please. I need to know.”

“Okay.” He said, and paused. “Yes”, he said, looking directly at her.

Robin’s mouth fell open.

“Yes?”

“Yes.”

“But… when?” was the first question, of many in her mind, that escaped her mouth.

“When… what? When it started?” he asked.

Robin hadn’t even considered that.

“Ah… yeah. When did it start?”

He swallowed.

“Hard to tell, to be honest. If I _had_ to pinpoint, I’d say probably around…the trip to Barrow, I think. Which, considering the circumstances, probably means it was earlier, doesn’t it? ”

Robin had covered her mouth with her hands.

“Barrow?” she asked in a whisper.

“Yeah.”

“But that was…”

“Yeah.”

“And then Matthew and I…”

“Yeah”.

“And then – oh, Cormoran, the wedding…”

“Yeah” he said, nodding.

She simply stared at him for a moment, and then suddenly said:

“God, Cormoran. Why you never said anything, all that time?”

Strike shaked his head.

“When could I have said anything? I mean, you had just gone back to him…”

Robin frowned. “I actually mean…“

“And then you married him…”

“Cormoran-“

“ _Or_ ,” he added, “do you mean after you went on your honeymoon?” he asked, hurt showing in his voice.

Robin was perplexed.

“Oh, yeah, like you cared about that”, she said, sarcastically.

He frowned.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

She looked away.

“I called you. When I was in the honeymoon. A woman picked up…”

Strike looked at her, his eyes wide.

“You called me?”

“Yeah.”

“Huh. That’s funny.”

She frowned. “Why?”

“Because, well, I also called you.”

“What? When?”

“A few days after the wedding. Actually, come to think of it, the same day you’ve mentioned, has to have been... Called your house. Your dad picked up. Said you were in your honeymoon. I went out. That’s when…”

Robin widened her eyes. “Oh, God.” she said.

“Yeah.”

They were silent for a moment.

“Wait, why did you call me?” Strike asked.

She swallowed. “I… needed to talk to you. I was going to leave Matthew”.

“Fuck’s sake.”

“Yeah. But then, that… and then I went back to the room and Matt was ill…”.

“Sea-born bacteria” he said, nodding.

Robin looked at him quizzically.

“Ekwinski said something. I more or less deduced the rest, after you told me he had been ill”.

“Uh.” she said, and paused. “Well, that’s a proper mess”.

Strike chuckled. “Tell me about it”.

Then she frowned, her eyes suddenly sad…

“But”, she said, “when I asked why you never said anything… I also meant, you know, after Matt and I separated. So I gather by then, you no longer…” she didn’t finish her thought.

Strike gaped at her.

“Are you kidding?” he said. “When you told me you had left him, I had to actually refrain from punching the air”.

Robin snorted.

“Oh that would have been a sight”, she said, and then frowned. “But then why, why the secrecy, Cormoran? Why didn’t you just _talk_ to me? _Especially_ after you complained about me not telling about my attacks…” she said, exasperated. “You know for some time I actually thought you might…but I waited, and you never did”, she concluded.

He sighed again. “Not really the same. A lot at stake, wasn’t there, Robin? And then there was your divorce..”

“What about it?” she asked, frowning.

“Thought you probably wanted to wait before anything happened. Clean slate and all that”.

Robin felt a bit touched. 

“I guess… I kind of did, actually. How did you know?” He shrugged. “But not to the point, obviously, that it meant it would never… Christ, I just don’t understand, Cormoran. I don’t understand what happened.” She shaked her head, frowning, her brain working furiously. Then she looked at him. “You decided it was too great a risk to the business” she said, in a firm tone. “That’s what it was, wasn’t it?” she asked, hurt evident in her voice.

He shaked his head, again.

“I was worried about that, Robin, not gonna lie. But I never _decided_ anything like that. Ilsa helped a lot about that, actually. I figured come to think of it… we would talk about it, decide together.”

Robin was again touched, but that didn’t stop her increasing frustration. “God, Cormoran. If not that, then what? I know why _I_ didn’t say anything. I was just sure you didn’t see me that way. Why didn’t _you_?” she asked quietly.

Strike rubbed his forehead.

“To be honest… pretty much the same thing, actually. Didn’t know exactly where I stood. Can you even imagine how’d it have been if you didn’t…”

“You didn’t know?” she interrupted, incredulous.

“No. ” he said, frowning.

“How come? I was so sure that you did, that _that_ was why you started avoiding me”, she said, her voice faltering.

He rubbed his eyes.

“Christ. I’m sorry Robin. I really am. I just had to do it, but I…I never intended to hurt you. I’m sorry”.

“You had to? Why? What _did_ you expect me to think when you started coming up with those ridiculous excuses, like I didn’t know your schedule by heart?”

He shaked his head.

“I don’t know. I think I just hoped you wouldn’t notice, I guess. I’m so sorry. But you have to understand, Robin. I… I was afraid I’d mess up, okay? Don’t you see? I was terrified I’d end up jumping you one of those nights at the Tottenham, and I didn’t know whether you wanted that, and _that_ would have been a proper disaster.”

Robin gaped at him, a smile at the corner of her mouth.

“Jumping me?” she said, raising her eyebrow.

He rubbed his forehead. “Pretty much” he said, shrugging.

She smiled for a moment.

“I just,” she said, “can’t _possibly_ understand how you didn’t know how I felt. I thought I was so obvious…”.

“Well, I did think it was… possible.” Strike said, slowly. “But to _know,_ for certain? I just can’t say that I did.” He paused, considering his next words, and looked at her. “Still don’t, actually”.

She raised her eyebrows.

“You’re not serious. What do you think I’m doing here?”

“Good question. Why _did_ you come here tonight, Robin?” he asked, his voice low.

“Are you _seriously_ asking me that?”

“I am.”

She looked at him incredulously.

“Fine” she said, taking a long breath. Time for the truth, unbidden. “I’ll tell you why. I came here because, as I’ve discovered tonight – and by the way, you can take a wild guess as to why Dan and I broke up…Anyway, I realized, too late, perhaps, that as long as there’s the _possibility_ of something… I’ll never truly let go, Cormoran. That’s the truth. And we’ve talked a lot about the past tonight, but it’s being a long time since all that, hasn’t it? So please, don’t spare my feelings. If it’s in the past for you, I’m asking you, _please_ just say it so that I can move on, because…” She paused, looking at him. “Because I haven’t”.

She meant it. Even if Strike didn’t want that way anymore, she knew the only way for her to truly move on was to actually hear him say the words. She half hoped that he would. The other half, however…

Strike looked at her for a long moment, his eyes serious.

“Yeah, I think I can understand that.” He said. “Look, Robin. If you really want me to say that… I can. But the thing is… it won’t be true”.

Robin swallowed, her eyes wide.

He continued. “No, it’s not something in the past for me. Move on? Christ, I don’t think I’ve even come close to that. Everyday this year, years, has been…” He sighed. “No, I have not moved on. Don’t think I ever quite would, to be honest.”

They regarded each other for a moment, her eyes shining, his name on her lips.

And then, in quick strides, each reached for the other and in a flash they were in each other’s arms, very much so like the embrace they had shared at her wedding, that simple embrace that had changed so much.

For a long minute they held each other tightly, achingly aware of every detail of the moment --and yet, each so filled with memories of that first embrace, that it was like both were one single moment that stretched through time, like they could live both simultaneously.

And then they parted, their faces close, their eyes on each other. Strike started to lower his head…

Suddenly, letting herself loose of him, Robin said:

“Wait. Cormoran, wait.” She composed herself and took a breath. “Look, I know you worry about how this would work… You said we should decide things together, which I agree. So I want to know - do you feel we needed to talk before…” she didn’t complete her thought.

Strike considered her for a moment, his brow furrowed, and then shaked his head decidedly.

“Thing is, Robin, that that would make me an _absolute_ idiot… twice, wouldn’t it?”

Robin smiled. “Glad you agree”, she said, and, putting her hands around his neck, closed the distance between their lips.

\--

After a long time they parted, their foreheads still touching, wide smiles on each of their faces.

Then Robin burst into laughter.

Strike raised his eyebrow, grinning.

“What is it?” he said, while she laughed.

Composing herself, she said,

“Oh my God. I’m thinking about that night at the Tottenham, when I got the news about my divorce…”

Strike chuckled.

“We were talking about ourselves. What a pair we make”.

“That’s just ridiculous.” She said, wiping tears of laughter. She shaked her head vigorously. “Ilsa will bang our heads when she hears about _that_ , for sure”.

“Oh, yeah. You can bet we’ll never hear the end of it” he said, smiling. “I will already be in deep trouble for not listening to her, actually.”

She looked at him, quizzically.

He explained, “About a year ago, she actually made me _promise_ that I wouldn’t wait too long to do something, you know, about you. And you saw how _that_ one went…” he said, grinning.

Robin snorted and hit him lightly in the shoulder. He flinched, raising an eyebrow. Shaking her head, she said, “Cormoran, I can’t believe you! Also, someone knows you well, huh?”

He laughed and said, “Yeah. She does.” He paused and looked at her. “You know, she also told me that… despite what happened between us, that you and I cared too much about each other to ruin what we already had. And you know – I should have fucking listened to her, because she is right, isn’t she?” he said, putting his arms around her.

Robin smiled, her fingers playing with the fabric on his shirt. “Yeah, she is. Just don’t tell her that”.

Strike chuckled. Then she added,

“But you know, we will have to come up with a different story of how we got together, though.”

Strike raised his eyebrow.

“Yeah? Why’s that?”

“Can you imagine if people knew how dense we’ve been all this time? We would never have another client again” she said, chuckling.

He laughed heartily. “No, you’re looking at it wrong”, he said. “It just means we’re too good at being covert. That’s an important part of the job, too” he said, grinning.

Robin laughed. “Okay, you’ve beat me on that one. But in that case, just know that you’re in trouble now, Mr. Strike” she said, grinning.

“Yeah? Why’s that?” He asked, lowering his head to kiss her jaw.

“Cause now, I’ve figured you out”, she said. He looked at her, raising an eyebrow. “I’ll know your secrets…”, she winked. “Your weak spots” she added, kissing him deliberately on the mouth and then raising her head to look at him. “You’ve met your match, Cormoran Strike”, she concluded, her voice playful but slightly defying him to disagree.

He looked at her, fondness in his eyes.

“The student surpasses the master, as they say, huh?” He said, smiling. “Yeah, Robin. I know. I’m doomed.” He said, shaking his head. She nodded in agreement, smiling too. “Completely, finally doomed…” He said, grinning widely, and kissed her again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I left a reference from one of the previous comments, see if you can spot it haha  
> Hope I was able to convey their characters, a bit harder here.  
> Thanks to who followed this short story so far! :)


End file.
